As I was sitting on my couch in my underwear, eating cold soup from the can, it suddenly occurred to me that this could be part of the reason that I might not be considered "marriage material."
I don't cook. What is the point? An hour of prep and messing up the kitchen, followed by seven minutes of eating and thirty minutes of clean up. I don't think so. Don't waste my time. I ate oatmeal for dinner every day for a week. And do you want to know the worst part? I didn't want to wash the dish (I don't have a dishwasher), so I used the same bowl every time. I can't help but think that this seems like bachelor status...
The female bachelor is a rare occurrence. She can be incredibly hard to spot out in the wild, but once one is familiar with her actions, she is easily noticeable. Not to be confused with a "bachelorette," who is an over-excited, over make-uped party girl, out looking to become a wife, the female bachelor can sometimes be more untame than her male counterpart. This mammal is generally intelligent, colorful, independent and not easy to trap. Her prey includes unattainable males and her predators are usually limited to unmotivated, underachieving douche bags (douchebagia lazyassis).
Most female bachelors (FB) are very set in their ways. The very thought of having a mate could send them into hiding. From one standpoint they are very organized, having a busy work schedule and social life. Most own a day planner that can be found filled with meetings and appointments, and seemingly little time for much else. They keep up their appearance in the outdoors, but while safe away in their natural habitat, they can become something completely different.
The home of a FB, when invited, is immaculate, yet only to the untrained eye. But let's take a look further. What hides behind those closet doors? And those decorative bins that are all over the shelves and in her home office, what could they really be used for? If one gets the chance to peek inside,these bins will be filled with clutter. Receipts, cables, screws, even undergarments can be found in these places of storage. Like a squirrel getting ready for the winter, the FB stashes away garbage that could possibly come in handy on a cold winter day.
When there is no possibility of intruders, this creature's habitat will become a whirlwind of messiness. The vacuum's use is more as a clothes hanger than to pick up hair and dirt from the carpet. The bathroom will be a mosaic of make up and Q-tips. Tampons will rarely be inconspicuous. The bed if rarely made up and is filled with discarded clothing.
The kitchen is a whole other environment. Never used for cooking prey, the kitchen is barely used at all. It is generally found littered with dirty cereal bowls, empty diet soda cans, and take-out wrappers. The oven is oftentimes used for storage. Any dining room table will be covered by paperwork. The coffee table is where any in-home eating takes place. Don't be afraid to confront the female bachelor and ask her out, as she will be relieved to not have to worry about any hunting, preparing or cleaning activities for the night. After that first meal, keep in mind that it does take some coaxing to lure her out of her comfort zone again and back into the wild.
If you are lucky enough to spot one of these precious specimens, handle carefully, as they can very easily be scared off. Once out, the female bachelor is an amazing creature, and a very prized possession. Keep your eyes open for a documentary soon to be on the Discovery Channel regarding this intriguing mammal.
*The picture posted is of me, asleep on a train somewhere in Europe. Who wouldn't want to wake up next to that sleeping beauty! Lovely, I know.
