To Elf or Not to Elf?

I love dressing up. I think that Halloween is one of the best holidays ever invented. But alas, Halloween only comes around once a year. So if you tell me that you are going to throw a costume or theme party outside of October 31st, you had better believe that I will be there, en suit.

This year, I was invited to three Christmas parties on the same night, one of them being a themed "Elf Party." This party had been long anticipated by the hosts, and I was informed that guests were supposed to dress as elves or something Christmas-y. If a guest happened to show up without a costume, they were going to be given homemade elf headbands that they would be required to wear for the evening.

I am only one person, and could only possibly make it to two of these parties, so I went to the two that I had received invites to first. The "Elf Party" started later in the night, so I had time to grace Party #1 with my presence for a short while, then race home to change into costume and get over to the "Elf Party."

My costume was great (as usual). I could have been up at the North Pole building toys, if it weren't for my height. My craft tool belt was complete with a hammer, paint brush, wrapping paper and ribbon. On my head I had a green and red striped hat with pointy elf ears that covered my own, normal person ears. Then I wound the battery powered Christmas lights from my tree costume (Reno Santa Pub Crawl, years 2007-2009) around me, to really drive that costume home. I was sure I would take home first place in any possible contest that there may or may not be in the next few hours of my life.

The night was cold and rainy. I arrived at my second party about an hour after it started. After finally getting a hold of someone to let me into the apartment complex, I took the elevator up to the 5th floor. As I stepped off the elevator, it was obvious which apartment was having the party. Kelly and Laura's door was wrapped in festive Christmas paper with a big bow right smack in the middle. I let myself in and walked down the hallway to the living room, where everyone was gathered. As I turned the corner of the dimly lit house, my Christmas lights blinking brightly, I stepped into the crowded room where everyone turned to see what the heck it was that had just walked in. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at everyone as they stared back at me.

NO ONE HAD DRESSED UP.

Now, if you are a consistent reader of F.O.L., you know that I tend to embarrass myself regularly. I have learned to smile and shrug it off, but for those few seconds, I can only imagine the look of shock on my face. It was like a scene out of a movie. When the heck was anyone going to tell me that this supposed "Elf Party" had suddenly turned into a "Dress Adorable Christmas Cocktail Party"? Are you people really in need of a new blog post so badly that you would go to such extremes?

I removed the hat for the rest of the night and switched off the Christmas lights, but left the rest of the costume on. I didn't want to let on how embarrassed I really was! Needless to say, I will be extremely skeptical of any theme parties that I am invited to in the near future. But in the meantime, I hope that this has given you all a good chuckle. After all, I don't want my embarrassing moments to be for nothing!

Myth: The 20 Minute Nap

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
-Mitch Hedberg



Have you ever been terribly exhausted, but not wanted to take a nap for fear that a) you will still be tired when you wake up, or 2) you won't be able to get to sleep that night when bedtime rolls around? Well, has my mother got the solution for you!

"Twenty minutes is the perfect amount of time to nap so that you are refreshed but not too groggy." Oh, Sally. You and your crazy ideas. I'm sure getting to work on my flying unicorn would be a lot more efficient too, but that just isn't possible, now is it?

There are so many reasons that this 'shnap' (short nap) is an impossible feat, and here are just a couple;
1. So you set your alarm for 20 minutes. Well, how long does it take one to fall asleep? When I know that I only have T minus 20 minutes to snooze, that is all that I can think about, therefore making it nearly impossibly to even doze off. Yeah, OK, set my alarm for 30 minutes...same problem, don't waste my time.
2. If I am grumpy enough to resort back to my toddler or college days, I am not about to attempt this ill-fated power nap. I want to take a real, honest to goodness n-a-p. If I lie down to rejuvenate myself, I'm going to be down for the count for at least two hours.
and C. I will tell you right now, that if I sleep for less than the time it takes to watch one measly television show, I will most definitely be as groggy as groggy gets, and not ready to jump up and happily continue on with my day.
So Sal, as you're reading this, and I know you are, please keep these blasphemous ideas to a minimum, as I would like to keep you out of the retirement home for as long as possible (mainly for financial reasons- I heard those places can be pricey)!

Family Gives You Thick Skin

I received an alarming voicemail from my 86 year old grandmother this morning.

"Lindsay, this is Grandma. Could you give me a call as soon as you get the message? It's very important, so please call me as soon as possible."

Oh, no. Either someone in the family is dead or Grandma needs to go in for hip surgery (or some sort of old person operation). Crikey.

So, I immediately called her back."Hi, Grandma. Is everything OK?"

"Oh, yes. I'm fine. Do you know a guy named __________ (we'll call him 'John Doe')."

Me, "Umm, yes."

Grandma, "Because he is here installing my new furnace and was looking at the pictures on my mantle and said, 'Hey I know that girl! We used to party together!' and I told him, 'That's my grand-daughter!'"

THIS is what was so important? I was ready to call 911 and rush over to her house to save the day.

"He's still here working right now! Do you want to say 'hi'?"

Oh my gosh. How embarrassing. If he is still there working, he is hearing this whole conversation. Fabulous.

"No, Grandma. You can just tell him I said 'hi.'"

And here is where it goes from bad to worse. I hear 'John Doe' walk by in the background and Grandma says to him, "I have Lindsay on the phone right now! She's telling me stories about you! Tee hee hee"

OH MY GOSH. Well, while it seemed that the ever-so-urgent voicemail preceding this conversation wasn't actually due to a death in the family, I could have died right then. No one would have called Grandma back though, because everyone knows that she leaves these 'urgent' messages just to get a quick response. Still works on me though.

Later that day she called me back to ask why I have never dated 'John Doe' or if I was interested. I knew there was an ulterior motive there. Surprisingly for some, I don't date every male person that I know. But this is nothing. Just wait for my next blog regarding 'The Wedding Set-Up.'

Now Accepting Applications

Short term goal: Get myself one of those 'boyfriend' things I have been hearing so much about.
What? Like it's hard? (That's what she said) ppsshhhhh.
I think it's time. If not, I'm going to end up an old spinster (I have been having a surprising affection towards cats lately).
If it goes badly, I can chalk it up to a). practice, or b). good blog material.
I'm afraid that my blog readers are being deprived. I have not been on a date in quite some time, and we all know that whenever I do go on one next, I will most likely do something awkward and/or super embarrassing. But we also know that this means- blog potential!
Also, who am I to be depriving all these potential suitors the awesomeness that is me? The fact that I have been so anti-commitment for so long is just plain selfish. My apologies, boys. You don't know what you are missing. I blame myself.
So, for the next few weeks (months? Hmm...I don't know about that), I will not say 'no' (not like that, you sickos). I have been told that I am too picky, therefore, from now until I decide I'm over it, anyone who asks me out will receive an enthusiastic 'yes!' After all, I am doing this purely for the readers and the poor boys who have been lacking that awesomeness in their lives. I mean, I'm just trying to make this world a better place. You're welcome.

I Swear to Baby Jesus This Really Happened!

Some of you may wonder why I freak out about my age and have coined this stage of my life my "quarter-life crisis." Well, among many other things, it is because of scenarios such as this one...

One sunny afternoon on a lovely spring day, I decided to take Steve and Dave to the park. Being the lazy-ass that I am, I didn't want to walk too far, so I took them down to Mount Rose Elementary School. Then they could run off-leash and I could slowly meander around (Dave also likes to go on the playground equipment, it's adorable). As I was praising Dave for sliding down the big slide, two girls, probably about 10 years old, walk up and ask if they can pet the dogs.

Of course, of course.

As they are playing with the dogs, I am chatting away with them (if you know me, this is not surprising in the least). In attempts to make conversation with 10 year-olds, I ask, "Do you two go to Mount Rose?"

"Yeah! We do!" They responded.

"Oh, cool! I used to go here too!" I said.

They turn and look at each other, and I swear to God, they turned back to me and perfectly innocently, exclaimed, "Wow! This school is OLD!"

Sweet baby Jesus, those young whipper-snappers needed a ruler to the knuckels. I was twenty-five at the time of this devastating conversation, but you would have thought that I was wearing bifocals, dentures, and using my tennis ball walker. I'm not one to get angry with youngins, but I was ready to take those leashes out of my fanny-pack, round up the dogs, hobble out of that elementary school playground, and screech out of there in my gold Cadillac.

But last time I got angry and stormed off, I nearly broke my gosh-darned hip!