Major Deal Breaker

Many of you may not know this, but when I am not slinging sandwiches and paninis, I moonlight as a nanny. I absolutely love it and am debating whether or not I can bypass the whole "real job" thing and just get paid to hang out with kids the rest of my life.

The other night as Blair (age 6) and I are coloring in her Hello Kitty coloring book, she asks me if I have a flower girl lined up for my wedding. Oh man. ANOTHER person pushing the marriage thing on me. That's a whoooole other blog... anyway, back to the coloring book. I explained to Blair that I am not exactly on the road to marriage at this point in my life.

Blair, "How old are you again?"

Me, "Twenty-five."

Blair, "You have TWO years left!"

Hmmm.

Me, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?"

Blair, "Well, I did. He is in second grade."

-"An older man, huh? What did your mom think?"

Blair, "Well, he was a really nice boy. But he eats BUGS!"

You say it sister. We've all been there. When I was her age there was a cute boy in my class who ate bugs too. Now he is engaged and I'm thinking I should have snagged him up when all the other girls were grossed out by him.

When I asked her what she thinks I should be looking for, as far as a potential husband for myself, she proceeded to give the best advice I have recieved from anyone of any age...

"What to Look for in a Husband" By Blair (age 6)

1. nice heart

2. has a good and short haircut

3. handsome

4. smart

5. good reasons (like when he does something on accident and you ask him why, he has good reasons)

6. tries hard/ good worker

7. happy

8. always tells the truth

9. respectful

10. favorite thing to do is spending time with his family

11. good manners

12. has pretty blue or brown eyes (if there is a little green, that's ok)

13. is healthy (eats all his fruits and vegetables and is nice and skinny, but not too skinny)

and I am going to go ahead and make #14. doesn't eat bugs, as I am sure Blair would be on board with that one.

Just Another Tequila Sunrise

How many farewell concerts are acceptable for one band to play? The way I see it, a farewell concert means that you are not making any new music, and you are getting to old to be considered incredibly awesome. Therefore, one needs to pull the plug and end it. So your first farewell concert tour is a huge success. Well, congratulations! This is no reason to have six more. Put out a(nother) 'best of' CD, start up a talk show, start a clothing line, but 52 more "farewell" concerts is no longer a fairwell. You are old and I don't care how much I, or anyone else loves listening to your music, it is no longer acceptable to be money-grubbing geezers charging ridiculous amounts of money to people who have heard you play live before. This includes "retiring" ahem, Jay-Z.

In the summer of 2005, I witnessed the Eagles eighty-third-ish farewell concert on the Sonoma State University's soccer field. It was a pretty big deal. Large stage, a gated area, expensive tickets, and a huge mess afterwards. I believe that ticket sales had an age limit of 51+ and you had to be annoyingly stoned to get into the "I paid way too much for an outdoor concert" area. I, along with many of my college friends, walked to the campus to watch and listen from a hill that overlooked the soccer field/temporary stage. The band had a huge television screen and a great sound system which enabled everyone to see and hear that I was singing every word spot-on (did I mention that I am a huge fan?). By the looks of the empty beer cans, crushed cigarette butts, and ignored roach ends that were left for the cleanup crew, it was apparent that a great time was had by all, young and old.

Pan to two weeks later (a fortnight, if you will). During my college years, I worked at a coffee shop. On this Tuesday morning, I was most likely still humming "Take it Easy" as I steamed milk and brewed coffee. I loved talking and joking with the people that would come in on a regular basis. Not to mention, when a cute dude would come in, well, that was just an added bonus.

"...four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says she's a friiieeend of mine..."

There was one guy who we called "Large Mocha with Whip" because we never knew his real name. I thought that he was so adorable. He would come in almost every weekday to get his mocha before work, and every time, my co-workers would kindly step aside so that I could make his drink and chat with him (thanks guys).

On this morning, Mr. Adorable walks in wearing a black sweatshirt with white writing on it. "Eagles" was written across the front. He ordered his drink, and as I had been to the Eagles seven-millionth farewell concert two weeks prior, I asked him, "Oh! Did you see the Eagles when they had their concert at SSU?"

Behind me I hear Stacey mutter, "oh, no" under her breath. In that split second I knew that I had just said the dumbest thing that would ever leave my lips. I glanced up to see Mr. Adorable reach up to grab his drink, and on the arm of his sweatshirt I saw a patch. On it was the emblem of the Philadelphia Eagles.

I may not be a very big football fan, okay, I hate the sport, but in my defense, I know that the colors for the Philadelphia Eagles are white and teal! Errr...green? Regardless, it is not black and white. So while I may have made myself look like a ditsy, girly, stereotype, cut me a little slack. I could have asked him if he enjoys bird watching.

Ayeeeee BooBoo!

Thank goodness camping season is over. Finally the weather has gotten cold enough so that I don't have people constantly suggesting that "we should go camping!" I love summers, warm weather and being outdoors, but camping? I don't think so.

I used to try to convince myself that I enjoyed camping. That was before I came to realize how much I appreciate toilets and toilet paper. Do people actually get pleasure out of taking a crap in the woods? Fill me in on this one, because I don't get it. Even if you are at a campsite with "bathrooms" (I use this term loosely), how often do you think those things get cleaned? You might as well just use the great outdoors and a leaf. Isn't camping really just upscale homelessness?

Now what about those "mirrors" that they have in campground bathrooms. Bolting a shiny piece of sheet metal to a wall does not constitute a mirror. People look gnarly enough when they are camping and can really use all the help that they can get. I would think that the forest rangers or whoever is in charge of these 'fancy outhouses' would want to put up full length mirrors at all angles to help people out.

Not to mention, when I am asleep in my own home on a comfy bed, I never have to worry about waking up to a bear rummaging through my refrigerator. Nor do I have to worry about raccoons attacking my dog, or scrounging for food in my living room. If I did, I would move.

Sleeping on a bed is a luxury that most of us are lucky enough to indulge in every night. So why on earth would one want to sacrifice this luxury to go and sleep on the ground in a bag? And in the eyes of a bear, don't you think a person in a sleeping bag looks a little like a burrito? And we all know how irresistible a burrito is.

So next summer, unless you have a cabin with a bed (preferably a Swedish Temperpedic mattress, thank you), full kitchen and heating/air conditioning, please do not suggest to me that "we should go camping!" because I can guarantee my answer right now. It starts with "No" and ends with "F-ing way."

All Signs Point to Crazy

Due to an overwhelming* response from my fans, I feel that I must write a follow-up to my "Did I Really Just Say That?" blog. So here you go.

By "overwhelming" I mean about 5 or 6 people. Seeing as I only have 8 followers of my blog, that is over half and therefore constitutes as overwhelming.

Coffee dates..hmmm. Casual, social, safe. My plan was to make every effort to not go through the N.S.S. incident again. Think before you speak, Lindsay. Think before you speak. For once,

I was on time. Actually, I think I was about four minutes early (go me)! When Mr. X showed up he bought our drinks, which is a big deal these days I have noticed. So 'thank you' Mr. X!

We did what you normally do on a coffee date; chat, sip, chat. But things got interesting when, mid-date, Mr. X informs me that he does not, nor has he ever...owned a cell phone.

- "Wait, what?"

- "Well, I have a land line."

- "So...it has, like.....a cord?"

- "Well, it has a cord to the wall, but it's actually a wireless phone."

Me, "Oh thank God!"

My eighty-six year old grandmother owns a cell phone. I think that it would actually take more time and effort to not own a cell than to just get one. I mean, how granola do you have to be to think, "Nah, I'll go without one. I would rather be one with the trees and squirrels and write poems and eat dirt and wear Birkenstocks while I ride my bike and meditate than be a part of society."?

Ok, maybe I have taken it a little far, the guy was pretty normal minus this one small fact. Some people have said that I can be a little granola myself, but honestly, I can't think of one person I know that doesn't own a cellular device.

Mr. X has since come back to visit me at work. I, however, have taken no action. Show a little interest in me, and like a frightened wild animal I run the other way. Ignore me, and you are all I can think about. This process has not treated me well, but the definition of crazy is to repeatedly do the same thing over and over while expecting a different outcome. Interesting...

Needless, to say, he hasn't called. HA!

Not Very A-'peel'-ing

I have a friend who hates bananas. He is borderline fearful of them. I, myself, have indulged in a banana or two in my day, but I can completely see where he is coming from.

The banana is a very sketchy fruit. When it comes to eating a banana, it is generally hit-or-miss. Too green and you get that weird film on your teeth and the roof of your mouth. Ugh. Too brown, well that's just gross. There is a very short period of time that one has to consume this fruit in an enjoyable manner.

I know what you are thinking. Why not make banana bread if you miss that window of opportunity to eat it? Well, that would be a great idea...if I cooked, which I don't. A peanut butter and banana sandwich is about the extent of my cooking skills. If I want to get snazzy, I might toast the bread.

Bananas are also one of the smelliest foods to compost. Pew. Rotting fruit is stinky enough, but if you add some 'naner peels onto the pile, whew! It can get quite gnarly, fast.

How else can we rag on Ms. Chiquita's fruit of choice? Well, a little known fact for you all out in the Midwest; Mosquitoes tend to migrate towards people who have recently eaten...you guessed it, bananas. And let's not pass up the simple fact that monkey love them, and we all know I feel about monkeys. This is reason enough for me to be a bit skeptical about this fruit.

Plantains? I don't think so "mini-bananas." I see right through that miniature greenish-yellowish skin of yours. Nice try, but you can't fool me.

All this trash talking about the banana is maybe a bit harsh. I think that they are really just insecure, which might be the reason for their over-zealous taste and smell. First of all, they grow in bunches, so they always have to be around their friends. Then, when they have all been eaten, and the last lone banana is sitting among the abundance of apples, pears, and lemons in your fruit bowl, his insecurities start to get the best of him. He starts to turn brown, slowly attempting to infiltrate all of the other fruit in the bowl with his overwhelming taste and smell. Pretty soon, all the surrounding fruit is contaminated and uneatable. Gross. And don't EVER leave one in your car on a hot day (or a tuna sandwich, for that matter).

But the worst problem with a banana is not it's taste or smell. It's much worse than that. Have you ever witnessed someone munching on one of these things? I cringe just thinking about it. The mushing, smacking sound almost makes me bring up whatever I last ate. Smack! Chomp. SMACK. Blaaahhhhhhhhh.

Thanks, but I will get my potassium somewhere else.