Ayeeeee BooBoo!

Thank goodness camping season is over. Finally the weather has gotten cold enough so that I don't have people constantly suggesting that "we should go camping!" I love summers, warm weather and being outdoors, but camping? I don't think so.

I used to try to convince myself that I enjoyed camping. That was before I came to realize how much I appreciate toilets and toilet paper. Do people actually get pleasure out of taking a crap in the woods? Fill me in on this one, because I don't get it. Even if you are at a campsite with "bathrooms" (I use this term loosely), how often do you think those things get cleaned? You might as well just use the great outdoors and a leaf. Isn't camping really just upscale homelessness?

Now what about those "mirrors" that they have in campground bathrooms. Bolting a shiny piece of sheet metal to a wall does not constitute a mirror. People look gnarly enough when they are camping and can really use all the help that they can get. I would think that the forest rangers or whoever is in charge of these 'fancy outhouses' would want to put up full length mirrors at all angles to help people out.

Not to mention, when I am asleep in my own home on a comfy bed, I never have to worry about waking up to a bear rummaging through my refrigerator. Nor do I have to worry about raccoons attacking my dog, or scrounging for food in my living room. If I did, I would move.

Sleeping on a bed is a luxury that most of us are lucky enough to indulge in every night. So why on earth would one want to sacrifice this luxury to go and sleep on the ground in a bag? And in the eyes of a bear, don't you think a person in a sleeping bag looks a little like a burrito? And we all know how irresistible a burrito is.

So next summer, unless you have a cabin with a bed (preferably a Swedish Temperpedic mattress, thank you), full kitchen and heating/air conditioning, please do not suggest to me that "we should go camping!" because I can guarantee my answer right now. It starts with "No" and ends with "F-ing way."