Inappropriate Things to Say to Make a Seemingly Appropriate Situation Awkward

The following are some statements that I have actually said out loud, after being given relatively normal news. This is not a joke, it is purely confirmation of my awkward and, many times, inappropriate ways. I hope you get a laugh, and don't get insulted. Here you go....

Friend; "I'm pregnant."

Immediate response from me, "Are you ok?!!"

Male; "I'm gay."

Me; "Congratulations!"

Cousin, Male; "I'm gay."

Me; "Oh, great. Everyone probably thinks I'm a lesbian."

Friend; "I'm Jewish."

"Oh, my God! I LOVE bagels!"

And the winner is....

Boyfriend;  "I really like you, Lindsay Anderson."

Me; "I really like you too, (insert full name of his brother here)."

Well, that was awkward. Please note:  I did NOT have a crush on his brother, I guess his brother's name just rolled off the tongue a bit more easily. We are no longer dating.

Brought to You by the Number 12

There are a couple songs that I will randomly, yet consistently, get stuck in my head. For example, the intro to Eye of the Tiger gets stuck in my noodle ALL THE TIME. Most frequently when I am exercising or doing anything that could be considered challenging, but always when I am climbing stairs (obvi). Click here if you need inspiration/annoyance in your life. Close your eyes and just listen though, because Survivor's video for this song is probably the most uninspiring thing you could imagine. Except I want to jump in the sack with that keyboard player. Ooh-la-la!

Among my many other unfailing "ear worms", is the Ladybug Picnic song. Don't know it? Well, you obviously weren't a Sesame Street kid. Or maybe it's just because you didn't have good ol' Sally for a mom. I think that she heard the song while I was watching the ever-wonderful Sesame Street and it got stuck in her head, therefore singing it randomly and bam! forever in her daughter's head and heart. Anytime I hear someone say, "1, 2, 3," I instantly think, "4, 5, 6,...7, 8, 9,...10, 11, 12, and the ladybugs came, to the ladybug picnic!" Every. Time.

Those were the only words I remembered, though. Until the other day, when I was searching YouTube for a specific Don Music clip (another Sesame Street reference) and came across the glorious Ladybug Picnic song. I was dying. This song is hilarious! I felt that I needed to share it with the 4 or 5 people who read my blog. I hope that you get a good laugh out of it too.

Many of you may not know this, but one of my goals in life is to meet a Muppet. I would also love to write for a children's show, and this musical cartoon just reconfirms that. You can pretty much say the most ridiculous things, put it to an upbeat tune with some bright colors and you've got yourself a hit. Kids are simple. That's part of why they are way more fun than complicated adults. 

Anyway, hope you enjoy, and maybe donate some furniture to some ladybugs near you, because I hear household items are outrageously priced for them.  But they can tell a mean knock-knock joke.

A Million Little Pieces; Confessions of my Broccoli Bender

               

                I have a confession; I can cook. I’m not proud of it and I have been trying to hide it for years. But I can. And I’m pretty decent too.  

                Yes, there have been some discrepancies. There was the early morning incident, where I fumbled around in the cupboards of my dimly lit apartment for the cinnamon, but when I took a big bite of my oatmeal, I realized that the spice that I had accidentally used was cayenne pepper.

                Then there was the time when I was making a funfetti cake for a friend’s birthday but I was out of vegetable oil.  Note to my readers; olive oil DOES NOT equal vegetable oil* I like to call that a not-so-funfetti cake followed by store-bought cupcakes. Rookie mistake.

                There have been a few defining moments in my life when I realized that I was getting old. The first was when I realized that I was beginning to enjoy Sheryl Crow’s music. Then one day I found myself watching home improvement shows on HGTV and I had a minor panic attack (which could have been a heart attack judging from the assumed age of any HGTV-watcher). Now I am consistently finding grey hairs on my head and have also found that I don’t mind cooking and preparing meals. I think that I might even like it. What is this world coming to? The minute I start wearing bright red lipstick and calling people “sonny,” I will assume the end is near.

                I keep an incredibly tidy house too.  The military has nothing on me. Nothing is out of place. For three years I asked my mom for a label-maker before she realized that I was serious and gave me one for my birthday. Best present ever. With a skeptical look on their faces, people ask me, “What are you going to label?” Are you kidding me?! What am I not going to label?! My house is like a robber’s dream come true, just go straight for the good stuff, it’s not hard to locate. You can find anything in my house, no problem.

                But how does this happen? I’ve spent a lifetime steering clear of any hint of housewife-y-ness. I have also spent the last ten years of my life trying not to become an adult. I used to hate broccoli when I was a kid. Now I can’t get enough of it! Make this adult-y-ness stop! What’s next? Dentures? Wrinkles? “Mom jeans”? Children???

                The only way that I can think to combat this inevitable demise is to keep my hair long and my jeans low. I have also had a sudden urge to start a garden, but will cross that bridge when I get to it. So until then, if you have any good recipes that you would like to send me…AUGH! No! I mean, let the dish sit in the sink for more than five minutes….it’s fiiiine….

               

*Vegetable and canola oil are both derived from vegetables and can be interchangeable in recipes. Olives are a fruit and this oil is not acceptable for most baked goods. Read about it here.