"Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't work." -Calvin & Hobbes

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

To Elf or Not to Elf?


I love dressing up. I think that Halloween is one of the best holidays ever invented. But alas, Halloween only comes around once a year. So if you tell me that you are going to throw a costume or theme party outside of October 31st, you had better believe that I will be there, en suit.

This year, I was invited to three Christmas parties on the same night, one of them being a themed "Elf Party." This party had been long anticipated by the hosts, and I was informed that guests were supposed to dress as elves or something Christmas-y. If a guest happened to show up without a costume, they were going to be given homemade elf headbands that they would be required to wear for the evening.

I am only one person, and could only possibly make it to two of these parties, so I went to the two that I had received invites to first. The "Elf Party" started later in the night, so I had time to grace Party #1 with my presence for a short while, then race home to change into costume and get over to the "Elf Party."

My costume was great (as usual). I could have been up at the North Pole building toys, if it weren't for my height. My craft tool belt was complete with a hammer, paint brush, wrapping paper and ribbon. On my head I had a green and red striped hat with pointy elf ears that covered my own, normal person ears. Then I wound the battery powered Christmas lights from my tree costume (Reno Santa Pub Crawl, years 2007-2009) around me, to really drive that costume home. I was sure I would take home first place in any possible contest that there may or may not be in the next few hours of my life.

The night was cold and rainy. I arrived at my second party about an hour after it started. After finally getting a hold of someone to let me into the apartment complex, I took the elevator up to the 5th floor. As I stepped off the elevator, it was obvious which apartment was having the party. Kelly and Laura's door was wrapped in festive Christmas paper with a big bow right smack in the middle. I let myself in and walked down the hallway to the living room, where everyone was gathered. As I turned the corner of the dimly lit house, my Christmas lights blinking brightly, I stepped into the crowded room where everyone turned to see what the heck it was that had just walked in. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at everyone as they stared back at me.

NO ONE HAD DRESSED UP.

Now, if you are a consistent reader of F.O.L., you know that I tend to embarrass myself regularly. I have learned to smile and shrug it off, but for those few seconds, I can only imagine the look of shock on my face. It was like a scene out of a movie. When the heck was anyone going to tell me that this supposed "Elf Party" had suddenly turned into a "Dress Adorable Christmas Cocktail Party"? Are you people really in need of a new blog post so badly that you would go to such extremes?

I removed the hat for the rest of the night and switched off the Christmas lights, but left the rest of the costume on. I didn't want to let on how embarrassed I really was! Needless to say, I will be extremely skeptical of any theme parties that I am invited to in the near future. But in the meantime, I hope that this has given you all a good chuckle. After all, I don't want my embarrassing moments to be for nothing!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Myth: The 20 Minute Nap


"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
-Mitch Hedberg




Have you ever been terribly exhausted, but not wanted to take a nap for fear that a) you will still be tired when you wake up, or 2) you won't be able to get to sleep that night when bedtime rolls around? Well, has my mother got the solution for you!

"Twenty minutes is the perfect amount of time to nap so that you are refreshed but not too groggy." Oh, Sally. You and your crazy ideas. I'm sure getting to work on my flying unicorn would be a lot more efficient too, but that just isn't possible, now is it?

There are so many reasons that this 'shnap' (short nap) is an impossible feat, and here are just a couple;
1. So you set your alarm for 20 minutes. Well, how long does it take one to fall asleep? When I know that I only have T minus 20 minutes to snooze, that is all that I can think about, therefore making it nearly impossibly to even doze off. Yeah, OK, set my alarm for 30 minutes...same problem, don't waste my time.
2. If I am grumpy enough to resort back to my toddler or college days, I am not about to attempt this ill-fated power nap. I want to take a real, honest to goodness n-a-p. If I lie down to rejuvenate myself, I'm going to be down for the count for at least two hours.
and C. I will tell you right now, that if I sleep for less than the time it takes to watch one measly television show, I will most definitely be as groggy as groggy gets, and not ready to jump up and happily continue on with my day.
So Sal, as you're reading this, and I know you are, please keep these blasphemous ideas to a minimum, as I would like to keep you out of the retirement home for as long as possible (mainly for financial reasons- I heard those places can be pricey)!