Not Very A-'peel'-ing

I have a friend who hates bananas. He is borderline fearful of them. I, myself, have indulged in a banana or two in my day, but I can completely see where he is coming from.

The banana is a very sketchy fruit. When it comes to eating a banana, it is generally hit-or-miss. Too green and you get that weird film on your teeth and the roof of your mouth. Ugh. Too brown, well that's just gross. There is a very short period of time that one has to consume this fruit in an enjoyable manner.

I know what you are thinking. Why not make banana bread if you miss that window of opportunity to eat it? Well, that would be a great idea...if I cooked, which I don't. A peanut butter and banana sandwich is about the extent of my cooking skills. If I want to get snazzy, I might toast the bread.

Bananas are also one of the smelliest foods to compost. Pew. Rotting fruit is stinky enough, but if you add some 'naner peels onto the pile, whew! It can get quite gnarly, fast.

How else can we rag on Ms. Chiquita's fruit of choice? Well, a little known fact for you all out in the Midwest; Mosquitoes tend to migrate towards people who have recently eaten...you guessed it, bananas. And let's not pass up the simple fact that monkey love them, and we all know I feel about monkeys. This is reason enough for me to be a bit skeptical about this fruit.

Plantains? I don't think so "mini-bananas." I see right through that miniature greenish-yellowish skin of yours. Nice try, but you can't fool me.

All this trash talking about the banana is maybe a bit harsh. I think that they are really just insecure, which might be the reason for their over-zealous taste and smell. First of all, they grow in bunches, so they always have to be around their friends. Then, when they have all been eaten, and the last lone banana is sitting among the abundance of apples, pears, and lemons in your fruit bowl, his insecurities start to get the best of him. He starts to turn brown, slowly attempting to infiltrate all of the other fruit in the bowl with his overwhelming taste and smell. Pretty soon, all the surrounding fruit is contaminated and uneatable. Gross. And don't EVER leave one in your car on a hot day (or a tuna sandwich, for that matter).

But the worst problem with a banana is not it's taste or smell. It's much worse than that. Have you ever witnessed someone munching on one of these things? I cringe just thinking about it. The mushing, smacking sound almost makes me bring up whatever I last ate. Smack! Chomp. SMACK. Blaaahhhhhhhhh.

Thanks, but I will get my potassium somewhere else.