I have
bought my eyeliner and mascara at the drugstore since I started wearing it in
high school. It works fiiiiine. When I try to cover up a blemish using
makeup, it ends up being a more obvious spot than when I started. So do I go
with a red dot or a huge, oddly colored brownish splotch? Le sigh.
I recently
took a trip to Sephora with my friend, Ashley, who is another not-much
makeup-wearer (however, she is a bit more knowledgeable on the topic than I am). I was there to return an item of makeup that I
received as a birthday gift. It was something
that I would NEVER use and I am not quite sure if it was a not-so-subtle hint
that I should start wearing more makeup or just an I-have-no-idea-what-to-get-you-for-your-birthday
kind of thing. Either way, it was
getting returned. I had no idea what to
use my store credit on. Ash mentioned
that she was curious about the new BB creams that are all the rage these
days. Obviously, I had no idea what she
was talking about.
Turns out,
it stands for “Beauty Balm.” It’s a moisturizer, sunscreen, skin even-outer, magic potion that
also does your taxes for you. Ok, great. We asked a
Sephora employee about it.
First
of all, I have a really hard time getting on board with the amount of time and
money it takes to prepare oneself for the day.
As it is, I already take FOREVER to get ready in the mornings, and the
last thing I need is to add more minutes to my already packed morning
schedule. I suppose it’s a vicious
cycle; more makeup time equals less sleep, while less sleep is going to equal
more makeup time. Interesting. Secondly,
I have an even more difficult time with the idea that I am supposed to trust
the employees of Sephora (or any other makeup counter) to offer me advice on
how I should be wearing these products. Have
you seen these people?! They have so
much makeup on that it looks as though their face will crack if they smile too widely. In other words, it’s a lot of makeup. The girl who took my return had teal blue eye
shadow on, all the way up to her eyebrows.
The girl that helped us with the BB cream had more blush on that any
human ever should wear. For the first 7
minutes that she spent talking to us, I’m not sure what she was saying, because
I was staring at her, trying to figure out if she was a female or a
transvestite (she was a female). So when
I tell the employee that I want to look “natural,” I’m never really sure if
their interpretation of this word is the same as mine.
Anywho,
when I first expressed interest in a BB cream to Tranny Jen, the first question
she asked me was, “Ok, do you want to be able to see your freckles or should we
cover those up?”
I
stared at her blankly. “What?” I didn’t know this was a thing. Since my freckles are darker than my skin
tone, does that mean that I would have to use a darker color to match my
freckles in order to get all of my skin the same color? Do people do this? Are
black people even real or are they all just Caucasians wearing makeup that is
covering freckles?! My whole world has
been turned upside down. Now I look at
people and wonder what they really look like underneath it all. Who are
you?
As I write
this blog, I realize that I should have said, “Get rid of the freckles! Make me
one solid color!” just to see what I would look like. But since I was so taken aback, my response
was that yes, I want to be able to see my freckles and that I simply want a “natural”
tone, whatever that might mean. She put
some stuff on my face, I couldn’t tell the difference between any of them, but I
needed to use my store credit on something, so I bought one. I still can’t really tell a difference.
Another
thing that I have learned that came as a shock to me is that a LOT of my
friends color in their eyebrows. What?!
That’s a thing too? However, two things
that I have noticed about myself in my old age (not including my grey hairs) is
that my skin is turning weird colors and my eyebrows are thinning out. What the eff.
This growing old crap is for the birds.*
So I asked Tranny Jen about my eyebrow problem as well.
I left
the store looking like the overly makeup-ed transvestite version of
myself. Not long after we walked out, I rubbed
my face (oops) and then looked like the leaving-after-a-one-night-stand version
of myself (I would assume).
I have
since tried to draw my eyebrows on my own and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.
I either use too much and my eyebrows
look like Crazy Town, or not enough and there is really no difference except
that I have wasted three minutes of my life.
So, alas, I have given up. For the time being, I will be sticking with
my drugstore mascara, use it however I feel necessary,
and go on with my life. Let’s be honest, there are far more things that I need
to work on to perfect myself other than my face. Ha.
*I have also
been using expressions such as “for the birds” that seem to come with age as
well. Le sigh.
